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what is it??
Tree of heaven (Ailanthus altissima) is a tree. But it's not just any tree!
This tree is native to northeast and central china as well as Taiwan. However, it is now found literally everywhere in the world except Antarctica because it is a huge fucking menace as soon as it leaves its native home.
I hate this tree, and you should too!
Let me tell you why you should hate this tree just as much as I do.
It is believed to be the fastest growing tree in north America, faster than any of our native trees. But that sounds great, you might say. I need a fast tree to provide some shade in my hot ass climate-change-suffering home, and I don't have time to wait for a normal tree to grow! NOPE! Think again: this tree grows so fast, it not only crowds out and out-competes every other tree around, but outside of China it grows way faster than it was ever supposed to, which means WARPED and WEAK WOOD. As the tree ages, the center of the trunk will hollow out. Reaching 50-80 feet high in under 25 years, often 10-15 feet each year early on, it will quickly just... Fall over!
That's right! The entire tree will often just break and fall down in under 50 years! Almost none of these trees live past 50 years and in that time, they cause only misery, up to and including crushing your house or squashing your childrens. This means not fit for a tree house, not fit for a shade tree, and not to be allowed near your home and trust me.... It wants to be near your home.
"But i don't care if it's gonna fall down in a few decades, I'm moving in a few years! Or I'm old already! Not my problem!!"
Perhaps you won't be around by the time your tree of heaven matures and decides to go belly up due to a light breeze. Not everybody wants to plan for 50 years of contingencies, i get it!
But I'm also here to tell you that every single day of every single year BEFORE the tree reaches its dramatic & destructive demise will definitely be horrible too!
Tree of heaven reproduces in two main ways: one way is with seeds, which it can create 350,000 of in a year approximately from its many MANY flowers (which also produce a ton of pollen and are terrible for allergies, because of course they are); the other way is with suckers, which pop out of the ground from the roots everywhere within 100 feet of this nightmare. It does both of these things frequently, aggressively, and with reckless abandon. Suckers and seedlings happen absolutely everywhere, all year round. Pulling them from the ground disturbs the soil, which they love, and also does nothing to slow their spread because no matter where you cut this tree, it WILL GROW BACK FROM THE CUTS. You will be cutting and digging every single week, with the added bonus torture of knowing it is literally for nothing! You gain nothing over the tree by toiling at its whims! Your suffering only amuses it and nourishes its vital essence, making it stronger and more cruel all while you grow weak and weary.
"Well, that's... Obnoxious, but hey, I TRULY LOVE gardening! I don't mind fighting for my life everyday against this behemoth and its army of saplings and suckers, it'll keep me in shape anyway and let me spend more time in my beautiful garden! (Which is now nicely shaded too after only a few months!)"
That's true dedication, and I truly admire your energy and enthusiasm! Don't let anybody dull your shine, bb!
But I regret to inform you that it doesn't stop there.
Other than being a pain in the ass, it smells like ass too. Anytime you cut it, crush it, move it, or brush against it, it makes the air (and you) smell like rancid peanuts and cat piss. In Chinese (where it grows NORMALLY and is considered a legitimate and attractive ornamental tree!!) it is literally referred to as "chòuchūn" meaning "stink tree." The only place in the world that can reasonably love this tree thinks it's a stinky butt tree. It's only a very slight improvement on the Bradford pear ("what does a bradford pear smell like?" Don't worry about it. I'll tell you when you're older.) But trust that this is objectively a stinky butt of a tree so no benefit there either.
In addition to the aforementioned drawbacks, this plant produces a special chemical from every part of its being, but especially from its bark and roots, which PREVENTS OTHER PLANTS FROM GROWING. It can even kill some plants. Read that again: this tree has its very own in-house secret sauce that makes the rest of your garden crappy and sickly just to give itself a leg up. It also means that even if you are the most energetic, gung-ho person in the world who can cut this tree up as it sprouts repeatedly from your yard, you can't even use the pieaces as mulch or anything. They have to go right in the trash.
It's not enough that it grows stupid fast.
Or that it spits out a new baby tree for every hour that God sends.
It's also has to dose your own plants that you actually wanted with literal poison.
That's just bad sportsmanship to be honest.
Wait, wait I've just been informed that... Oh good gravy, this plant also summons an army of demon bugs to carry out its evil bidding! Because of course it does!!
Spotted Lantern Fly
Well, tree of heaven came to the US in 1784 and was very soon nearly everywhere. (It's everywhere on every continent except Antarctica, but for the purposes of this website, I'll mostly refer to the US.)
The spotted lanternfly arrived on the east coast from China (supposedly accidentally via shipments of goods from Asia), but in just one short decade this bug is causing a lot of problems. It prefers to feed on the bark of the Tree of Heaven, but will readily spread to apples, walnuts, hops, plums, peaches, and grapes.
That's right.... These flies are causing a world of pain for vineyards & other crops in 18 states. California's got a lot of grapes and a huge wine industry. Climate change itself is already making California too hot and too dry for European wine grapes, causing some vineyards to shift towards native north American grapes. But perhaps even our native grapes, which are more resilient to the diseases and conditions that are troubling the traditional European varieties, might be no match for these bugs. An already weakening wine industry will be pushed even closer to the precipice, and wine will get truly expensive.
The first lantern fly eggs in Califorina were found just 3 months ago this year. We can hope they were the only ones but... Well, they won't be for long.
If you need one reason to care about stopping this awful, horrible, hellspawn of a tree from taking over the whole damn world, poisoning and suffocating as much as it can in it's vicinity, and maybe destroying your or your neighbor's actual house someday, please, think of the wine prices! Do it for the wine!!
And the other stuff too definitely, for sure, but wine tends to really motivate people so let's bring the noise, folks.
Kill a Tree of Heaven to keep wine only "kind of expensive" instead of "extremely expensive."